The low down:
This post might be a little TMI but hey, its real life. I have what is called Poly-Cyctic Ovarian Syndrome, PCOS, or as my family calls its PCOS (pee-cos) and Im pretty sure we are the only people who call it that. Two of my three sisters also have PCOS and I believe that several of my cousins have PCOS as well, on both sides of the family. A good portion of my female cousins also experience infertility, which is weird because my grandma had a million kids. I guess I missed out on the fertility line in heaven, I must have been hanging out with my cousins instead.
I noticed things weren't running smoothly when I was in high school but I was told that "normal" actually varies quite a lot, so I didn't worry about it. (P.s. incase you haven't caught on, I'm talking about my . ) When I was about 22 I decided it was probably time to see a doctor. I had some blood tests and the doctor told me I had PCOS and that it wouldn't be a big deal or prevent me from having children. I was prescribed metformin, which is pretty common with people who have PCOS. Things started working and I was feeling good. A few years later I met Patrick and we got married and I got pregnant a few months later. I was relieved because that meant that I was in the clear, or so I thought.
I mentioned above that my sisters also have PCOS. They do not have infertility. They have the opposite "oops, Im pregnant again, I swear I was on birth control!" I still love them, they are my biggest supports.
I starting getting a little worried several months after I had Chloe because my . did not return. In fact, I thought I might be pregnant for a few days, ha ha. I laugh at this because this has been a theme for me the last few years and if I don't laugh I might cry, he he. Anyway, back to the story, I got back on metformin and for some reason it was not working like it did before. Also, metformin gives you serious bowel issues and I felt like crap. After doing metformin for a while we decided to start trying to conceive because we knew it wasn't going to be as easy.
My Doctor suggested just trying progesterone, so we did that for the first year-ish. No luck, but we weren't too worried because our daughter was still young. Second year we decided to try clomid (aaaaahhhhhh) and it worked!! I got pregnant the first time on it and it was a miracle. The first few weeks were rough, they thought I had an early miscarriage but after about a week they figured out that they had me come in too early, oops(emotional roller coaster).
Then when I was eight weeks, I was in a car accident. A man that was under the influence of drugs slammed into my car while I was stopped at an intersection. I was so scared, I was so mad. While I was talking to 911 I just kept bawling and saying "If I have a miscarriage Im gonna be so pissed." I think deep in my heart that I knew that something wasn't right. I wasn't injured and I didn't have any pain so the emt's said that I was okay to go home but I needed to see my OB just to make sure. I saw him the next day and he did an ultrasound and the heartbeat was perfect and he said that they are pretty much indestructible at the point in the pregnancy, but I still had a weird feeling that I couldn't shake.
A few days before my twelve week appointment I started bleeding brown blood, I called to see what this was and if I was going to be okay. After waiting on hold for what seemed like an eternity the nurse told me that it was probably just old blood from a pocket in my uterus (hmm, pockets? Who knew? That might come in handy!) I still had this pit in my stomach that would not go away. Two days later I began to bleed bright red and I called my sister and she said to call right now and get into my doctor. So I called and they told me that I had an appointment the next day so I could probably wait until then!! I said no I want to be seen today asap, so they scheduled me with one of the other practitioners later on that day. I called Pat and told him to get home. On the one day of the year that none of my sisters or parents were within a thirty mile radius of me, so we had to take Chloe with us.
We arrived at the clinic and it was super busy. This cute lady that was very pregnant was sitting next to me and she was asking me all the questions that you ask somebody who is pregnant, boy or girl? how long? which doctor? etc. While I was answering her questions I knew in my heart that I was not going to be having this baby. I sort of felt like I was lying to her, but she was enjoying the conversation so I decided not to bother her with the truth.
During the ultrasound we could see the baby and I noticed before she said anything that there was no heart beat. She pointed out this really weird bubble around its head, which the doctor told me that it was blood and had a scientific name for it that I can't remember. The ultrasound showed that the baby stopped growing at eight weeks six days, just a few days after the accident. I really liked this doctor she was so kind and I think she knew just what to say to me. Which of course I cant remember now but she gave us a few minutes in which we tried to call someone to come and pickup Chloe. We were able to schedule a D&C right then and there because the fetus was small enough, and because I hadn't eaten anything the entire day. They had a clinic where they can do the procedures in the building, oh, and also spa services(interesting?!) Just down the hall and through a partition someone was getting a pedicure while I was recovering from my D&C. That just doesn't seem right, ha ha.
I have heard horror stories of having a miscarriage and d&c's and the physical pain that is associated with them. I am so grateful that I really did not have much, if any pain after. I'm not sure if it was the doctors expertise in the procedure or because my body is amazing and I feel little pain (except for when I tried to pop a zit that wasn't ready and the pain almost brought me to my knees.)
After my miscarriage I was pretty much numb. I really didn't know how to feel. It took a while to settle in. The hardest part was realizing that I wasn't getting pregnant and all those plans I had were not working out. I had been told by a doctor that people who have PCOS and lose some weight have a better chance of conceiving. During all this, I was sort of trying to loose weight but every time that I looked at the scale I felt so guilty and felt my lack of discipline was the only reason I was not getting pregnant. Plus, all of those things that Satan whispers in your ear, that your not skinny enough, pretty enough, hot enough, smart enough, trendy enough, hipster enough, your pretty much worthless. oh, and your a crappy mother.
I had people tell me the usual "oh your young you can try again,""the best time to get pregnant is after a miscarriage," I can't remember the reasoning behind that one, but I sort of believed them because they all had experienced miscarriages too. I lived in a ward where so many women were experiencing infertility. It was awesome to have these friends to talk to and listen to their stories. I didn't feel so alone.
The final straw for me was after trying clomid a couple more times and realizing the toll it was taking on me and my ability to be a good mom and wife and a human being. And that it wasn't happening, I wasn't getting pregnant. I dont know if anyone else had the same problems while taking the progesterone/clomid combo but it basically made me a crazy person. I was tired all the time, I was angry, and I cried at the drop of a hat. I could not function. Don't get me wrong, I feel like these drugs are miracles. They have helped many of my friends have kids. Im not sure if its because of the PCOS or just that for some reason they are not right for me.
Finally, after having some conversations with my hubby and God. We made the decision to stop clomid and progesterone. We decided to try some natural things that helped get my hormones in a better place.
After several months doing natural stuff I felt better, I actually started to feel like myself again. I don't care what anyone says about homeopathic medicine. I love it and it helps. Obviously, I have not gotten pregnant but I feel good. I also have been researching PCOS like a mad woman. I want to treat my body well, it is a gift from God. So Im on a journey, hopefully to heal my body or at least get it working properly again, for good.
At this point, I am of the opinion that I have infertility for a reason. There will be a beautiful baby that was meant to come to my family through someone else. I feel it. It gives me peace and it gives me hope. There is a reason for all of this. I cannot wait to meet our birth mom. There is already a special place in my heart for her. I know she will go through somethings that are gonna break her heart and that will rock her to her core. I know there is a plan, and everything will work out.
Oh, and guess what? I am good enough, I am pretty enough, I am smart enough, I am me, I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I can even imagine.